You Only Get It If....

You know how sometimes you'll talk about something to someone trying to explain some shiz and they don't get it because they haven't ever experienced it? Yeah, something like that on here.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

You shoulda/coulda/woulda (A series of incomplete thoughts)

I cannot preface enough: This is going to be ramblings. Feverish and unrefined. I am literally spewing (Shakespeare just high-fived me.)

Laron was born exactly one week before I was. I have no idea what happened in that one week that made us so dynamically different and yet so spiritually the same.

Laron and I graduated at the same time. We have the same sense of humor. We are both unbelievably hot.

If I could live that one week like she lived her life....

Everyone has their own way of grieving. I am an insane person. This is how I have grieved:

I feel like my body was the first to get over the grieving: I no longer moped and laid in misery sinking into ritualistic unhappiness. My mind was next. Logically, I cannot be mopey. I have a two year old. Logically, I cannot be a victim to my sadness; I was a lucky one. I knew Laron Short. She touched my life. She let me love her. She was a phantasmagoric gem in my spectrum of love. However, it is my heart that will not allow me to let her go. My heart yearns to the shoulda/coulda/wouldas. My heart aches to hug my friend and feel her warmth. My heart hurts.

Denial -
You awaken. Bluntly, you are told your friend has died.

Impossible. Laron just got home. She just lost her phone. No. She is still delayed in CA. She's not even in OK right now. This is stupid, Laron just got home. Home is a safe place. Laron is safe. Fumbling. Rearranging things to be orderly and correct (as you have severe OCD) No, see the shoes are in the shoe rack so Laron is safe and alive. She's laughing at the idea that everyone thinks she is dead.

There is a crippling pain in your back. You realize it's not your back. It's your heart and chest crumpled in over itself making your back ache. You have an anxiety disorder attached to a heart disorder. Your heart is not healthy. Your mind is not healthy. In turn, it makes your body not healthy. The pain in your back aches and you focus on your chest crippled in on itself. You feel like this concaveness is making you lurch forward. Falling.

Luckily, your OCD is so bad that routine just falls into place. Work. Unfortunately, your OCD asks you to count in fours and your overwhelming sadness has cleaned your memory of numbers. Which means your world is not right; which means your friend is dead. Blank. Stop. Stare. Why didn't I talk to her more? Why can't I manage my time better to be a better friend? Why does my back keep hurting? Your mind snaps back. You're at work. Four steps to the ice machine. Four scoops of ice. Four steps to customer. Which means your friend is alive because everything makes sense. Success! Your heart aches. You don't deserve to be happy. You're in mourning. Wait? What am I doing?

Anger -
Chickasha is FILLED with assholes. Evil meth heads. Twisted drug dealers. Liars. Cheats. Thieves. But Laron was the one who died. JUST HOW FAIR IS THAT? It is UNACCEPTABLE. She was making a difference. She was challenging the world; the people; the collective mind to think and change and be better. She had such a defined sense of truth of right and wrong and the world is filled with EVIL. SO WHY HER? SO WHY HER?
There is no answer in the air. The world; the people; the collective mind is silent.
There is a building of tension in the shoulders at the base of the neck and the root of your mind that is filled with anger. It hurts. Which pisses you off more. Destruction is not an answer. Yet release is not in sight. anger anger anger.
There are people laughing at the restaurant. Without notice you are violently angry with them. How dare they laugh when precious joy has left the Earth? What fathomable reason do they have to feel the bubble of giggles when there should be a solemn pain. Hate.

Mind; body. They wait for you. With open arms. Just accept that you are hurting. Your mind and your body have accepted it. So why is the heart of you refusing to come?

I keep missing opportunities. I missed them with Laron and my heart aches uncontrollably. Who else have I been a bad friend too? Who else doesn't know how much I love them? My heart aches so bad. If I could just live one week like she lived her whole life I could be a better person.

In the same day someone has died and another has been born. The world is cyclical. My heart (my racing thoughts are/) is cyclical. I am a remorseful ball of confusion and yet of hope. This ball of confusion just keeps rolling forward. Stronger. Faster. With more confidence.

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