...You've made up your mind.

It's a really random thing nowadays for a person to make a conscience decision. To me it feels like everyone finds a certain amount of comfort in having 'an out.' It seems like people love to have an excuse in their back pocket, like a hankerchief. Something handy to wipe up a faux pas. -Well, I can't make a decision like that I'm just a leasing agent. You'll have to talk to my manager who is not in the office right now. What's a good contact number for you so I can send her an e-mail explaining all the things that you just told me.- {Gross.}  So, yeah. This is the sick sad part of this new social norm that even the littlest of decision is such a big freakin' deal and have such high importance. For instance, I decided today that no matter what happened I would do things with a smile today. (But only at work.) {This < this<<< is what I felt so freaking cocky about all damn day.}{Double gross.}

That's why making a decision is such an achievement because you've made a solemn vow to yourself. There is a higher level of authority on the idea. It's become a novelty and a great conversation starter. {You know, today I told myself I was going to smile ...no...matter...what. *Collective Gasp*} When you take a stance on something there will always be something/one/duh that is going to attack it and try to bring it down. It's a more sophisticated kinda way to get attention.

So, like everything, every dropped call, every mind splitting headache, every snarky freakin' remarks I had this stupid grin on my face. I felt so 'professional' and cool and shiz. If there was a goddess of business etiquette, she would have smiled down upon me and wished me a long life. I would have gotten at least two thumbs up from a god (2/8). I was amazing...on the outside. Bleh. I'm not at all about hiding my emotions. I felt so fake. Yucky. I don't like myself at this moment and yet, ^ I was all braggin' about being blessed by a goddess. Gross right? I have no idea what that is or how to define expect for a nasty earwaxy texture bitter flavor in my mouth. Eck. Oh, just now. I am proud of myself for being out of my comfort zone twice. Focusing now though, today was a particularly annoying day because everyone around me made 'smiling' a very difficult thing to do. Why would people attack someone who just wants to smile. The only person I was trying to prove anything to was me because I was thinking 'Jesus, Jamie, you are one sarcastic and bit*hy outcast.' Secondly, the only person I told was the Universe and we pinky promised we would tell no one ever.

I am now going to pull what is called an 'unreliable source' which gives me an out. I have had a few to drink and I have become angry and sadish radish. <Meant to make you say it a few times. So I might be remembering or over-reacting right now. So, I myself have no freakin' clue. So now all interpretations of what you have made before seem moot. {Honestly, who do I need to sell my genius to?}{That's not my husband.}{Because we share the same bank account.} Which might be why I'm being so critical on myself. Maybe I just want to be myself in front of people instead of that 'whitebread halfie' that I put on every morning. Le sigh. Eh, whatevs. I didn't I win today, but I really can't expect to win them all. {Oh, look! I've made up my mind.}

...You have a pantry.

A pantry is neither a place where you keep pants nor a chivalrous state in which you are panting. A pantry is a place where you keep foods like canned corn, canned green beans, boxes of hamburger help and other various non-perishable foodstuffs.

Right now we are kind of on a budget and so everything has to be well thought out before it is purchased. Previous to me finding this job I was on food stamps. {I MISS YOU FOODSTAMPS. PLEASE TAKE ME BACK! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE THAT PEOPLE LOOKED DOWN AT US AT THE GROCERY STORE! WE WERE GOOD TOGETHER! TAKE ME BACK! BRU-HOO-HOO.} I liked being on food stamps. It was 300+ smack-a-roos (that was not taxed) that I could spend willy-freakin'-nilly on any stupid thing I wanted (that was a food-stuffs.) Life was goo~o~ood.

'Cept... ever notice when you have a fully stocked pantry (not a pant-related joke) that - a) nothing in that pantry looks 1)good/tasty 2)fast enough to make 3)has all the ingredients or 4)already made and ready for consumption b)no one wants to cook anything c)you always want to go out to eat even though there is plenty of food at the house? {If you read that sentence only once, two  gold stars. If read at least twice, one silver star, if read more than twice, bad. bad. bad!}  I mean, I can third-person-view myself looking into my pantry, that is from top to bottom stocked with yummy food, and distinctly remember thinking at that moment: Uh, but I'm the one who has to cook it!

I wonder if all that non-perishable food stuffs wealth somehow made me an lazy jerk face? I've never been money wealthy so I wouldn't know if that has any affect on my laziness. I am plenty love-wealthy...and I kinda do abuse that one.

I'm the kind of person (I hate that phrase 'I'm that kind of person' because that makes you the kind of person that has to overcompensate your ego with delusions of grandeur) that if the pantry is still stocked, I am not going to the grocery store. If we are out of hamburger for the hamburger helper then, guess what? We aren't having hamburger helper.  {Dang it. Dang it, Jamie.}

Anyway, I guess what I am setting up here is that our pantry is empty. Suddenly, things have never tasted better to me. I had white rice and canned tuna the other day. I became a freaking chef the other day. I had taken two separate ingredients, done some cooking magic on it, and made it into white rice and canned freaking tuna. We are out of rice and tuna right now. :( So tonight I made, leftover chicken tenders (from Kisig's lunch yesterday) heated them up and made 'dipping sauce' of mayo and sriracha.

I mean, they should just give me a chef-ing diploma.
I am a chef of highest of classiness.

Now that my pantry is empty, I have such an amazing appreciation of food. Especially bottled water. Ice-cold bottled water; that isn't open yet. I am drooling just thinking about it and my mouth is dry. Ugh. Also, I have found that my imagination for dinner is unbelievably rampant. I see uncooked pasta shells and I'm like: Oh, my lawd! If I add seasoned hamburger meat and red sauce on this it's like spaghetti only with shells! OK, so that wasn't that creative {I just ate sriracha mayo with microwaved soggy chicken tenders - back.off.}, but something very similar to that effect. The other thing I noticed, when the pantry is a shiver, is that everybody in the house is a chef suddenly and everybody wants to cook. I, then wonder, why my other 'poor' qualities have not sparked me in such a way. {Dang it, I am money poor and I do keep looking for more ways to be more money wealthy. Hm.} I wonder, how many other environmental stimulations I get. Do I actually want to blog or is it because the fire is very toasty? I know there are emotional responses to environmental situations. {Whoops, rein it it.}

{A chef can be a cook. A chef cooks. A cook can neither chef nor do chefry things in the pantry.}{Last one.}

I'm not sure in which state of being that I prefer. I kinda, right at this moment, am leaning towards having a full pantry. If only because I have a two year old reason for living. There is a small part of me that likes being humbled and grateful. I think this is a good state of being to be in, so I can remember to always strive forward and to never be stagnate. I wonder if there is a way to find (or even speculate) a good balance.

Remember (the parenthesis mean this statement is a part of the sentence!) {The squiggle thing is me taking to myself while I am talked to my readers.}{Dang it.}