...You've made up your mind.

It's a really random thing nowadays for a person to make a conscience decision. To me it feels like everyone finds a certain amount of comfort in having 'an out.' It seems like people love to have an excuse in their back pocket, like a hankerchief. Something handy to wipe up a faux pas. -Well, I can't make a decision like that I'm just a leasing agent. You'll have to talk to my manager who is not in the office right now. What's a good contact number for you so I can send her an e-mail explaining all the things that you just told me.- {Gross.}  So, yeah. This is the sick sad part of this new social norm that even the littlest of decision is such a big freakin' deal and have such high importance. For instance, I decided today that no matter what happened I would do things with a smile today. (But only at work.) {This < this<<< is what I felt so freaking cocky about all damn day.}{Double gross.}

That's why making a decision is such an achievement because you've made a solemn vow to yourself. There is a higher level of authority on the idea. It's become a novelty and a great conversation starter. {You know, today I told myself I was going to smile ...no...matter...what. *Collective Gasp*} When you take a stance on something there will always be something/one/duh that is going to attack it and try to bring it down. It's a more sophisticated kinda way to get attention.

So, like everything, every dropped call, every mind splitting headache, every snarky freakin' remarks I had this stupid grin on my face. I felt so 'professional' and cool and shiz. If there was a goddess of business etiquette, she would have smiled down upon me and wished me a long life. I would have gotten at least two thumbs up from a god (2/8). I was amazing...on the outside. Bleh. I'm not at all about hiding my emotions. I felt so fake. Yucky. I don't like myself at this moment and yet, ^ I was all braggin' about being blessed by a goddess. Gross right? I have no idea what that is or how to define expect for a nasty earwaxy texture bitter flavor in my mouth. Eck. Oh, just now. I am proud of myself for being out of my comfort zone twice. Focusing now though, today was a particularly annoying day because everyone around me made 'smiling' a very difficult thing to do. Why would people attack someone who just wants to smile. The only person I was trying to prove anything to was me because I was thinking 'Jesus, Jamie, you are one sarcastic and bit*hy outcast.' Secondly, the only person I told was the Universe and we pinky promised we would tell no one ever.

I am now going to pull what is called an 'unreliable source' which gives me an out. I have had a few to drink and I have become angry and sadish radish. <Meant to make you say it a few times. So I might be remembering or over-reacting right now. So, I myself have no freakin' clue. So now all interpretations of what you have made before seem moot. {Honestly, who do I need to sell my genius to?}{That's not my husband.}{Because we share the same bank account.} Which might be why I'm being so critical on myself. Maybe I just want to be myself in front of people instead of that 'whitebread halfie' that I put on every morning. Le sigh. Eh, whatevs. I didn't I win today, but I really can't expect to win them all. {Oh, look! I've made up my mind.}