You *just* want to shave your legs.

Let me set this up for you:

{Imagine that like things go black and then there is like a stage and then like a big light goes "Ka-Cha" and a spot light appears. Enter -Moi-}

[Also, pretend that I am a sultry narrator and a really really good voice actor. You're the best <3 )

Not only do you work five hours a day as the hottest chick in your friggin place of employment, but you are also a cook, a maid, a surgeon for every stuffed animal in the tri-city area, a search and rescue squad for lost keys; socks; pants; sanity, and so on and so forth. Now in the wee moments between 'stuffing-their-faces-with-food' and 'disregarding-the-option-of-clubbing-them-in-the-head-to-make-them-go-sleepy-time' you have just enough time to rinse the day's sweat off of your totally sexy body. Yes. This is a precious time. The moments creep on into talking TV sheep time. You have 22 minutes to shower off 'yo stank' and, heck, that leaves you 20 minutes to shave your legs. This is the time in a young mother's life that fireworks should go off. :3

Now, like a wild lady whose clothes are on fire, you leap out of those nasty clothes. The water temperature is perfection in liquid form. All the items are there: soap, razor and water. (Sometimes when you've splurged the 3-in-1 soap/shampoo/conditioner stuff. It's like a shower in a bottle.)  You can hear the sheepy music of the telly and the baby is audible as well. From a room away, over the rushing water and even over the bleeting sheep you can hear him whipping around what *sounds* like cars across your newly clean floors.

"HEY! EASY IN THERE!" You yell...delicately.

Sweat is successfully off the body. Goal One Complete. You are a Goddess. You are bathing in a warm tub filled with ambrosia (well, 'yo stank') and as you scan your water palace...you notice a looker-on.

"Mama chower?" - {Translation - Mother, while I have noticed you have gone into the bathroom after announcing you were going to 'take a bath', I am aghast. Are you, in fact, at this moment, taking a shower?)

To which you eloquently reply:

Get out.

Back to the life of luxury, you soap up your legs and ready your weapon -that almost rusty razor-, your muscles releasing intense violence for all men and manly garments, you hear a loud crash with lots of little "pitter-pitter-pitters-splash-trample" and such.

Oh. My. Lawd-in-Hebben. If that was the millions of polished stones you just picked up, even the clandestine jerks that hid in the crevices of the couches, your mind could quite possibly explode. At least you won't have to clean it up.

"PICK THOSE UP!" - The Goddess from the bathroom shouts...oh, that's you shouting btw. You think, just one moment. Just a small collection of twenty two minutes of solitude and satisfaction...of just peace and quiet. (You can feel that wrinkle in your forehead just gloat). You can hear the remainder of whatever was left of a 'clean' living room being destroyed. You can also feel the temp of the water rising. Nay, you can *see* the steam you are causing by the anger inside you. The razor sweeps expertly down your leg. Schoo-Schoo-Schoo- You have enough control over body and mind to be all like:

"CAN YOU PLEASE JUST BE QUIET FOR TWO MINUTES?!"

That was a desperate move. They can smell desperation. You stop shaving. They can sense movement too. In one pinched second you begin to lift yourself -fumbling with the soapiness of the make-shift shaving cream called "Dove"- from the sheath of happiness (or tub) when you realize...silence....and it's not a trick. The sheepy is still singing on the telly but there is a halt on the destruction of your 600 sq ft apt. (IDK if that's true. In my mind 600 sounds really good when spoken aloud - 'specially in the awesome voice you've imagine. Bravo, you.)

Serenity. Warmth. Happiness....for two full minutes....

ohholycrapthebabyhaschokedonthosedamnpebbles!

You shoot up from the tub racing the two leaps it takes to reach the living room, sliding on linolium, stepping on sharp devil toys, *just* to see your happy baby sitting peacefully watching Sheepy TV.

"Mama owie." He points out. -Translation: Mother, I notice you have a wound. Look where I am pointing.-

Yes, young mother, you have shaved a third of a leg and scalped (applicable in this situation? I'm not sure, but, dude, fersrsly whatevs.) the rest of your hard working left right leg. The left leg pristinely covered in patches of hair. Oh yeah, baby, you shave a leg.

You're Exhausted.

Mental and physical exhaustion is the shittiest thing in the whole entire world.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand thanks for reading my blog.
;)

During mental exhaustion it is very hard to stay on task and not just do whatevs-the-hells you want to. I would go so far to say: Insanely hard. <Yeah, allusion to a past post, whoo!> Mental exhaustion creeps up on a person. Have you ever noticed that? I have never like all the sudden noticed that I am really frikkin tired of concentrating. It's usually like this:

 5 minutes into project:
Outloud: All right, bitches. Let's do this.
Mentally: All right, bitches. Let's do this.

10 minutes into project:
Outloud: Hell yeah! Look at how much I've accomplished.
Mentally: Ok, it's ten minutes in I've done about 18% of the work so I should be finished at about, ooooooooooh, seven ish. That's plenty of time to play COD: Black Ops and watch that movie was suggested two months ago. Yes!

15 minutes into project:
Outloud: My eyes are soFRIKKINSICKOFSEEINGTHISTHING. *Deep inhale* Just maintain for another ten minutes. Get this halfway done and call it a night.
Mentally: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

45 Minutes into Project:
Outloud: Bleeeeeeeeeeh *drool*
Mentally: *drool* {Side note: Someone draw that picture for me. Your brain drooling. Heh. I'm hilarious.}

----
Physical exhaustion is arguably worse. Getting bored is fixable. Hop on facebook every two to three minutes; refresh page; get annoyed that there are no new alerts and stare at word processor again with pure rage. :D However, physical exhaustion is only (usually) resolved with sleep. (KEEP READING! I'M SORRY I SAID SLEEP. I'M SORRY! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.) Sleep for a person within my circle is like a four letter word. Only it's like a four letter word that actually offends them; not the four letter words that they spout off in greeting {Patrick}. This being the case: sleep is never a fix to physical exhaustion. Staying up as long as possible and pumping chemicals into the body is the only reliable tried and true method of myself and those about me.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS HILARIOUS.
Often times mental exhaustion leads to physical exhaustion and the test that I like to use on how exhausted someone is, is how accepting they are to the idea of coloring. {Say, what?}

Yes, coloring.
Kind of exhausted: Yeah, I'll color in a minute.
Exhausted: I guess.
Totally exhausted: Oh, maaaaaaan, coloring sounds so great right now.

Coloring is creative which alleviates the stress of the mental exhaustion and is extremely easy to pick up and put down. Coloring is not strenous so physical exertion is never an issue. This is also true for someone who is completely and totally wasted.

Next time you see me at a party; I'm carrying crayons. :D

You're Crazy.

Everyone is a little crazy.
That's a pretty well known FACT ABOUT LIFE and also quite obviously there are different levels of crazy. Continue reading - hilarity ensues shortly; it's going to be funny...because it's true.

Everyone has tiny episodes of crazy. Some express said crazy by creating a empirical and shocking change to themselves. For instance, nail polish color; hair color; piercings; binge drinking. These tiny bursts of crazy are often accompanied by short or enduring stress. Totally logical: when things are so out of your control it is desirable to control *something* within your control.
--
Oh noes! The friends of my friends are teasing me. I cannot control people's actions but I can control the color of my hair. Hello, blue!
---

Everyone can have prolonged crazy. This is often the direct result of manipulation or lying. I, for instane,  thought I was in love. Whoops. This is reasonable because lies can sometimes define your decisions. It's cool. Eventually you forgive yourself and people stop gloating.
---
No scenario needed.
---

Most people have a good ole fashion 'crazy.' Which, I think, is needed for most people. Some times you just got to let loose and go all crazy-nuts for a night. It's cool just own up to it when you're down the whole: I just went crazy - excuse is lame. However, the I went crazy - excuse is spot on. :D
This always seems like a last resort kinda thing. Like oh-shiz-all-of-this-stuff-just-needs-to-escape-my-body-before-I-blow-into-a-million-pieces-let's-drink!-drink!-drink!-and-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-crazy-for-a-night. {My gawd, I crack myself up sometimes.} This can be a good or a bad tension releaser but ultimately it doesn't stick for more than ...oooooh....somewhere between one night and four months. :D :D
---
I kinda did the scenario thing already. This format isn't working like I had planned. Tee-hee!
---

There are a few people that are just constantly crazy. Which sucks. Constant crazy is an intense insanity. There are actually philosophies out there that challenge the acceptance of reality which asks of you to be paranoid and examine details closer. Can you imagine that not being a choice? To constantly question if what was presented to you as factual. To doubt every choice you make. Well, don't imagine. That's silly. Just know: It sucks reaaaaaaaaaaaaally bad.

The funny part: Crazy is ok.
There is a huge stigma against mental health issues and that's bullshit.
The other funny part: Everyone goes crazy a little bit; so you're not alone. There's not shame in it.

I think I may have lied a little bit and pulled an after school special on your ass. {Which cracks me up.}

You're a Hypochrondriac.

Actually, you only get it if you're a hypochondriac; a worrier; a pessimist and a person who hasn't had health insurance for a bit. {colon capital letter 'd'}

I think the health insurance program gives a person a sense of comfort. With insurance if you feel as though you have a bug you can just go to your doctor and they can pretend to run tests and give you some antibiotics and bim! bam! boom! Don'cha feel so much better?

However, for such a short period withour insurance it creates these pangs of paranoia.

<Go with me on this train of thought>
Shortness of breathe? Did I get that on the job? Is it all this dust I'm inhaling? I know I should've never started smoking - but I don't have any other stress relievers! - Is it "PNEUMOTHORAX, a condition in which air gets between the lungs and the chest wall, or a PULMONARY EMBOLISM, in which a blood clot may have moved from a leg to the lungs, or ATELECTASIS, a collapsed lung." {Taken from familydoctor.org} IT COULD BE ANYTHING AND I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO FIX IT.
<OK, thanks for following>

Now that I have insurance I *want* to go for everything but I am TERRIFIED of what it could be. This is where being a pessimist gets a hold of me. Not only is it a shortness of breathe but it's what happens to me if I can't get better? What happens to my bills and then my child and then my life?

I can't imagine it being different for other people. Having no insurance breeds fear. It's hard to gain confidence when you're own health is not in your hands. The posistion leaves you powerless. Sure you can try to heal yourself and 'wait-it-out' and pray that you are healed. However, certainty is not given.

I believe that when you let it rule you; you let it it.
If you let fear rule your life; you let fear in. You are no longer in control.

Likewise:

If you let hate rule your life; You let hate in.
If you let jealousy rule your life; you let jealousy in.
Does it make sense?

Lemme further explain:
You need to own your hate; so it cannot own you.
You need to own your jealous; so it cannot own you.

Life seems to be a mental game. Life also seems to be about responsibility.
Ha. I'm not sure. I'm a hypochondriac pessimist and I have numb hands.

You're a Wall.

I am not a wall. Walls are the best listeners in the world. Walls hear everything: creaks, little pitter patter; television; crying; laughter and they never ever tell your secrets or yell at you for being a botard. Yes, walls are excellent listeners.

As mentioned above, I am not a wall.

I like to have conversations and I like to gossip and make those 'uh-uh's and 'aw, nah, he didint' motions during a conversation. I also like to ask questions to reinforce to the speaker that I am listening. I also like to talk about things that happened to me and my opinions on things. I like to be critical and funny. I will have  conversation at any time and love it. I am always there for anyone who needs to talk.

I do not like to sit there and listen to people talk...and talk....andtalkandtalkandtalkandtalkandtalk. The first time, sure I understand, I get it. The second time, ok, annoying. However, at about EVERY time I never want to hang out with you EVER.

There needs to be a word of people who have a story about everything. EVERYTHING reminds them of a funny story about themselves.

<Scene: ME and SOME OTHER PERSON WHO COULD BE COOL IF THEY COULD LEARN TO STFU seated and talking>

OTHER PERSON: Oh my gawd, that's so funny you said that because I... <endless story about how their animal someone channeled their spirit and it was magical.>
ME: Neat, I had a dog once that...
OTHER PERSON: Oh, my gawd, this one time I had something similar happen to me but it was completely different I just noticed that we weren't talking about me.
<ME accidentally smother OTHER PERSON with a Spanish pillow.><END SCENE>

And these stories last forever. If you allowed a word in it is quickly overran with another story that has the same word. Like the world 'like' or 'the'.

I have noticed that these people can acknowledge and point out people who 'only talk about themselves' and they steer away from them and blah blah blah.

What's that saying if you don't know what I'm talking about then I'm talking about you.
 *SIIIIIIIIIIIIGH*

I'm blessed that most of my friends are legit and have intelligent convos. However, there are those select few that just can't get over themselves.

What I'm getting at is: Please remember: People are not walls.

...You've Been Dating Awhile.

I love my boyfriend. He knows everything. He has the same sense of humor as I do and he lets me get away with all my crazy bullnanas (Side Note: I'm trying not to cuss as much. I actually do say bullnanas irl but I just wanted to give you a heads up). He takes care of me and my son and we all love each other very much. I never would have ever thought I could be this happy and this much in love. I can't even explain how lucky I am that he let me dig my claws into him. I never want to let go. He makes me smile just with a thought and I could hold his hand until we turned into phantasmagoric dust.

Ok, get it?

So Log-en dazs and I have been dating for almost eleven months now and we've spent almost all that time together being very happy. So happy, in fact, the only thing to do at this point is small things that just annoy the shiz  outta one another. For instance, Log has the loudest sneezes in the world. Like I know completely that this is something not within his realm of control and yet when he sneezes I shoot him a glance like he just cussed at me. Or how sometimes Log-en dazs (is it bad that at the moment he's being adorable and I'm having issues with tying to find things that annoy me? Yeah, I figured) will not only walk into the house, but shed like a leper into the bedroom to hop on Fark.com. This leaves this disturbing tale of 'long lecture'ly tossed backpack in the middle of the room; crumpled jacket beside back pack along side one black sock that says 'paper due in two days'; a random shirt draped over a seat that smells like him; two stolen lighters that let's me know Dal Dal is coming to visit soon; that other sock -that really doesn't tell a tale just kinda finishes the story- and finally the love of my life. Yet, I will still ask him: How was your day, darling?

Srsly.

Now don't be fooled and think this is one sided. Oh-my-heavens-mercy-me-no, I sometimes do shiz just to make him go bullnanas (Not one cuss word so far! Hell yeah)! For instance, I make the dumbest jokes I can...constantly.

Scenario One:
<Log cannot find his keys>
LOG: Have you seen my keys?
ME: The ones hanging on the key rack by the front door above your homework you were s'posed to turn in two days ago? That one? Nope. I have not seen it

Scenario TWO
<Log cannot find his keys>
LOG: Have you seen my keys. Oh wait, here there are under the couch...
ME: (at the same time) ......................................ere are under the couch, I found them baby. What would you do without me? You'd never find your keys again that's a fact.

SceNARIo three
<Log cannot find his keys>
<Oh forgot to mention I took them out of his pockets two hours ago without telling him and left them in my jacket pocket>
LOG: Have you seen my keys?
ME: Not recently, baby. Did you check under the couch?
<minutes of searching>
ME: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh. They're in my pocket.
LOG: {Hulks out.}

The best part about all of this is: it's not hateful. It's not vicious. It's just so damn cute when Logan throws up his shoulders and is all annoyed at me. IT'S SO DAMN CUTE!!!! Yeah. We've been together for almost 11 months. Soak it in.

I didn't know Valentine's Day could be so awesome. Thank you, Logan. I love you.

...If You're A Parent.

A while back Logan bought me a baby monitor so I could guilt free leaving my sleeping child in my apartment and travel down to his apartment to use interwebs. Unfortunately, it now seems like the worst best idea ever. {As opposed to the 'best worst idea ever' which would not have made sense right there. Hm. Ponder that.} The baby monitor was actually his idea too; at first, I was completely on board. I would be able to leave the hum-drum-suffocating-nothing of my house and travel down to be on facebook for an hour while listening to the serene slumberings of my small s'child. However, that is not how it was. Have you ever heard a baby monitor? You know those scenes from like mockumentaries? YEAH LIKE THAT. It's a dry static sound that seeps into your bones and races ice cubes down your spine. Yeah. Yeah. I went there. There is no feng shui place to put a baby monitor to attempt to appease the spirits of static; it has two volume settings: squealing or screeching.  Anyway, around Giftmas time Logan-honey bought me the baby monitor and we used it for the first time and it went a little something like-ah dis:

<Open Scene: Lights are dim, a movie is playing, JAMIE and LOGAN are at the couch ferociously eating popcorn, baby monitor has a dull buzzing uninterrupted and loud, over-powering the movie, some would argue, sound>

JAMIE: (Anxiously) .... (Stares at Baby monitor)

LOGAN: (paying no notice to anything about him)

JAMIE: (fidgets and actually pays attention to the movie for about 14.5 seconds and then messes with the baby monitor) Are you sure it's on the right channel?

LOGAN: (Without taking eyes off movie) Yeah, it makes this absolutely terrible sound if it's on the wrong channel.

JAMIE: (sets baby monitor down, munches popcorn, feels incredibly guilty) (and sighs)

LOGAN: (drinks half a can of Root Beer and loudly) Ahh.

JAMIE: (calmly, eerily calmly) I, mean, I can't even hear him coughing. He hasn't made a sound, in like, thirty minutes.

LOGAN: (Oh, look, interest piqued) Yeah, he's sleeping. (Pondering: Surely, she's not that insane.)

JAMIE: Is he sleeping? *Is* he sleeping, Logan? I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF I'M LISTENING TO A BABY MONITOR OR A CORPSE MONITOR. (Eyes mist)

LOGAN: (In that voice that everyone has heard when Logan has to do something) I'll go check on him. 

(Thinking: My gawd, she is that crazy.)

<LOGAN goes upstairs, JAMIE sees the cool stuff in the movie>

</Scene>